My Life Patched For Trophies

Wouldn’t life be so much more interesting if it were patched for trophies just like a PS3 game or, if you are so inclined, Achievements on the 360? You complete a task and then, “ping”, a shiny trophy appears over your right hand shoulder. Think of all the extra motivation it would provide to complete those mundane, day to day tasks.

This first crossed my mind two years ago when I wrote a short blog about how my average summer day in Tokyo might look with the benefit of trophies (I have included the post at the end of this blog). My circumstances have since changed, so I thought I’d have at it again.

So without further ado, here is my life back in the UK, complete with trophy patch.

Bronze Trophies:

Rural Menace – Do not use the local farmer's tractor trailer as a stunt ramp. Sometimes a farmer’s trailer is just a farmer’s trailer.

Japanophile – Play Yakuza 4, whilst drinking Asashi Super Dry. In cosplay.

Quintessentially English – Play FIFA, whilst sipping on Pimms. In a bowler.

Financial Restraint – Do not buy a copy of Killzone 3 encased in a life sized Helgahst helmet.

Try-hard – Read the latest issue of EDGE with a dictionary.

Foolishness - Read the latest issue of EDGE without a dictionary.

Love Thy Neighbour – Turn-up Singstar to 11.

Make the Best of a Bad Situation – Turn on your 360 because PSN is still down.

Nihongo Benri Da Na – Slag-off the annoying woman in the supermarket in a language she can’t understand.

Silver Trophies:

Bookworm – Read a book that isn’t a strategy guide.

Chicken Ramen? – Avoid bursting into tears of disgust and confusion when eating at Wagamama.

A Patriot – Keep asking your wife “can I play PS3 yet?” throughout the course of a televised royal wedding.

SEGA Shinja – Capture a hedgehog and paint him blue.

Icon Killer - Force said hedgehog to hang-out with less interesting animals.

Gold Trophies:

Justice Served – Calmly inform the lary, topless chav hanging around outside your apartment that he is a “c*nt”.

Lacking Self-respect aka The Tretton - Play Nintendo DS on the plane.

Platinum Trophy:

What a Prick – Start a conversation with an employee at your local video game shop with the sole purpose of telling him that you regularly attend Tokyo Game Show.

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My Life in Tokyo, Patched for Trophies (I originally posted this elsewhere on the net, back in 2009)

Bronze Trophies:

Assist – Help those tourists staring blankly at the Tokyo subway map.

Ass – Pretend you don’t see those tourists staring blankly at the Tokyo subway map.

Join Us – Play your DS on the train.

Party of One – Sing Muse’s “Knights of Cydonia” at karaoke.

Broken Record – Tell everyone about your recent gaming exploits, especially people who don’t care.

Mainichi Otaku – Go to Akihabara and buy something that you don’t need.

Silver Trophies:

Master of Restraint – Don’t go to Akihabara today.

King of the Beer Garden – Prove your worth by foolishly out-drinking everyone else at 5pm.

Short Circuit – Try to robot dance. Fail.

What a Porker – Go to a shabu shabu all-you-can-eat-and-drink restaurant three times in one week.

Gold Trophies:

One in a million – Play the Virtual Boy on the train.

Last Man Standing – Miss the last train home, but resist the urge to get a taxi instead.

Musical Chairs – Secure the only remaining seat on the 6.46am train to Shinagawa.

Platinum Trophy:

What a Dandy – Successfully wear a suit all day in overbearing humidity.