But What is an RPG Though?

Everyone is going on about RPGs. 

IGN recently posted their list of the 25 Best JRPGs and we all had an opinion about it, because it was very wrong. 

Over the last few weeks, it has been impossible to avoid Clair Obscur: Expedition 33 online discourse and the praise has been effusive. I'm told it is the best thing since Lost Odyssey, a seven-out-of-ten that no one played, or perhaps Final Fantasy XIII, a game that got good in the amount of time it takes to finish Uncharted 2 - a great game - twice. 

I've also noticed an increase in social media users attempting to define what exactly makes an RPG an RPG. Even our greatest thinkers - people on Bluesky - have failed to capture the true essence of the genre. It is a thankless task and one that I will now attempt!

Here is my criteria.

RPGs are spread over multiple discs

The Legend of Dragoon (4 discs) is an RPG. Madden '99 (1 disc) is not. Final Fantasy XIII on Xbox 360 (3 discs) is an RPG while the PS3 version isn't (1 disc). If you've bought digital, you'll have to figure it out yourself.

RPGs take over fifty hours to finish

An RPG should take you weeks to finish, if you are a shut-in, or months if you are a normal person. You should spend at least half the playtime agonising over all the other games you're missing out on by committing to this one bloated experience, regardless of whether or not you're enjoying it. If it's under fifty hours, it ain't an RPG. It could be an RPG demo, however, as they are also unreasonably long.

RPGs require the use of a guidebook to finish or a dozen-page GameFAQ print off

"Who used up all the black ink?!" hollers your father. It is you. You printed off an in-depth guide for Xenogears, twice, because the first print was slightly misaligned. Wait until he discovers that you also drained the colour ink to print off some A4 art of Rinoa, Quistis and Selfie hugging. No one has ever beaten a real RPG without some kind of guide, be it home-printed or a Prima-bastard bundled with your game purchase. 

Important: if the guidebook keeps urging you to visit PlayOnline, then you are playing Final Fantasy IX specifically. Final Fantasy IX is an RPG.

RPGs will rise in your estimation the further removed you are from playing them

Remember that JRPG you imported when you were fourteen, struggled to understand, quit well short of the end, and hated almost every minute of? Well, you love that game now; an underrated and misunderstood gem. Time and nostalgia will have that effect. We are now seeing this with Final Fantasy XIII, a very solid game that people regularly mistake for a great one. Also, everyone has forgotten that Chrono Trigger is actually a seven-point-five and not a ten. Don't @ me (please do, I'm lonely).

RPGs ask you to fish, play cards and kill a god

Has to be all three, probably in that order.

RPGs do not have guns in them

Guns are for shooting games, and shooting games are not RPGs; they are shooting games. The only time that guns are OK in an RPG is when they are also a sword which is wielded by a largely non-verbal teenager. Laguna's machine gun is actually a sword in spirit, but I wouldn't expect you to understand that. And yes, Final Fantasy VIII is my favourite RPG.

RPGs will infatuate at least one of your mates, making them insufferable

If it's an RPG, one of your friends will be unable to shut up about it. They'll spoil every major plot point while insisting that there's some hidden depth to the bog-standard unwitting-hero-saves-the-world plot. They'll also fancy one of the main characters - probably the lad with the tail - and sketch pictures of them topless, embracing a girl who is far too young to be embraced like that. They will post this sketch online to everyone's embarrassment. You will distance yourself from this person. Speaking of underage characters:

RPGs are full of teenagers

And the "old" characters will be in their twenties. Bugenhagen, everyone's favourite floaty-shamen, is 27. Auron, 35, is so old that he has actually stopped living. Also, balding characters do not exist. Everyone has beautiful hair.

RPGs allow you to rename the lead

And any true RPG-fan will give their own name to the main character. I still have PS1 and PS2 memory cards full of Matts, which I should probably wipe before my family finds them.

RPGs can play themselves if you have a turbo-enabled controller and a rubber band

This is the best way to grind.

That's probably everything. Thanks.