Showing posts from 2018

E3 2018: A Hastily Written and Poorly Researched Preview

It's nearly E3weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.


EA's presser starts at 3 AM Japan time. There are scant few things less likely to happen than me getting up at 3 AM on a Sunday to watch Snoop Dog talk about historical accuracy in Battlefield.

Mass Effect is fucked, so instead we'll be subjected to Anthem. Professional speakers will simulate human speech, saying stuff like "enemies incoming", "Susan, you pick up that ammo pack", and "Trevor, you cunt". It'll be the worst thing I've ever seen. However, I won't care, as I'll be giddy with excitement over the Burnout reveal. EA have forced the old Criterion crew back together and they are making Paradise 2. I shall be ecstatic.

Battlefield, Madden, NBA, FIFA, other car games; am I forgetting anything? An indie man will appear on stage and give a heartfelt speech about his adorable game. We will all be rooting for him. Unfortunately, his game will end up…

Game Pitch: Elephant Ice Hockey

I'd like to make a game some day.

I'm not sure what that game'll look like, or how I'll go about making it. I'm not even all that bothered if anyone else plays it - I just want to make something.

I'd like to have a better idea of what it takes to make a game. I want to gain some insight into the process and learn a little about basic coding. I want to attend an awards ceremony wearing shorts and a t-shirt and hug Geoff Keighley. I want to take pictures of food with Hideo Kojima, and not have it be weird.

From small beginnings.

Game Pitch: Elephant Ice Hockey

Elevator Pitch

It's ice hockey, but with elephants instead of Canadians.

More specifically, it's NHL '94 with elephants.

Everyone likes elephants. They're big, majestic, exotic, and sometimes they let us sit on their backs.

No one understands ice hockey, myself included. To most of the world, it's plausible that elephants could play ice hockey. I couldn't say for sure that they don…

Yamanote Line Game Video Game Game

I've got an hour to burn, so I'm going to write something.

I've nothing planned, so I'm just going to write about the first video-game-related thing that pops into my head. The next topic I write about will start with the last letter of the previous point. It's a variation of the Yamanote Line game, only written down, and I'm the only player. 
Hello? Are you still there? 
Oh well, video games...... 
Monster Hunter World That was lovely. Eighty hours of slaying with friends and alone. I've got the armour I wanted, a rarity 8 Long Sword, and nothing new left to hunt, at least until Deviljho drops. The tempered monsters are more of a challenge, but they're still the same beasts, and the promise of weapon stones isn't quite enough to keep me motivated. I'll hunt with friends every now and again, and I'll be there whenever the DLC drops, but for now I'm winding down my HR41 geezer. 
Demon's Souls I can't wait to finally start playing D…

My 2009 1UP Featured Blog

Burnout Paradise Remastered is out in two weeks, and I can't stop thinking about 2009.

2009 was the year I first played Paradise - an all-time great, and just one part of a wonderful year in video games. Uncharted 2, Shatter, Assassin's Creed 2, Dragon Age Origins, DJ Hero, Batman Arkham Asylum, Infamous, Demon's Souls, Street Fighter IV, CoD MW2, Flower, Red Faction Guerrilla etc. 2009 was well nice - a vintage year for stick fiddlers.

In 2009, everyone had a blog. Like a lot of people, I did most of my writing at the now defunct I made internet-friends, butchered the English language, complained about things that I didn't really understand, and even got to engage with the site's paid staff. It was our own little corner of the internet, and it is sorely missed.

Burnout Paradise Remastered is out in two weeks, and I can't stop thinking about 2009. So I'm going to blog like it's 2009, even though it's not.

It is 2018.

Here's my blog, wr…

An Evening of Monster Hunter World

I'm in deep, having played 40+ hours of Monster Hunter World in just three weeks. That's a lot for me, so back the fuck off.

It's great that the series has finally been freed from the limitations of the 3DS. All the familiar hooks, and frustrations, are still there, but this time it's prettier and easier to control. I'm very happy indeed.

I've tackled some quests solo, but I've mostly been playing with friends. We are expert hunters, as you'll see.

A typical evening session:

Me: Hey everyone. What level are we now? I'm HR 14.
Friend A: 12
Friend B: 16, but <white noise>
Friend C: 86
Me: Fucking hell <name redacted>. How'd you manage that?
B: Are you wearing a golden skull? Where'd you get that from?
C: I killed seventeen Black Diablos on Saturday. Only took eight hours.
Everyone: Nice.
A: Do you guys mind if we do the Rathian hunt? I need to get the Plate for some armour. I've already fought him six times, but no luck so far.
Me: Stin…

A Thing - Boxed Super Famicom

There's something about boxed, retro hardware. Something about aged cardboard that gets me excited.

A box shows that the previous owner cared. They didn't throw it out, have a bonfire or fashion it into a piano. No, they looked after it. They might have even preserved the insides - manuals, bags, warranty cards, plastic ties, unused stickers, shrink wrapped batteries etc. A mummified box of gaming joy. Christ, I need a cold shower.

Just last week, I found myself tempted by a boxed Game Gear. The packaging was in lovely nick, with sharp edges, bright colours, and manuals included. The previous owner clearly loved their Game Gear. Either that, or it was an unwanted gift, thrown into a cupboard and forgotten, its undesirability ensuring its preservation. Anyway, I already have a functioning Game Gear and have no need for another, but that didn't stop me from seriously considering it. I was halfway to the counter before I decided to pass.

Sharp edges, bright colours; manuals …