Resident Evil 6: Shit out of Ten



Resident Evil demands your respect. What started off in 1996 as a tongue-in-cheek survival horror has since evolved into an action heavy franchise, swapping its B movie credentials for an increased body count and extra fuck-yeah. While it may have mutated over the years, RE has remained a premier franchise - it is Capcom's zombie cash cow, on fire and chased by a helicopter made of muscles. Resident Evil is exciting, fully gunned-up and has undeniable staying power. In no way is it a 4.5 out of 10

As you may already be aware, Resident Evil 6, through no fault of its own, has received a critical panning. The reviews have ranged from misguided to outright libellous, single handily ruining the launch of the most important AAA game since Resident Evil 5. Gamespot - 4.5/10; IGN – 7.9/10; 1UP - C+; Destructoid - 3/10; Eurogamer 6/10; EDGE 6/10; local village newsletter 4/10 ….etc. What a bunch of cunts.

I’ve had it up to here – you can’t see, but my hand is currently held at eye level - with video game reviewers. They dispense their (incorrect) opinions from golden thrones, rarely managing to agree with one another on what is or isn’t a good game. Deep-seated bias, casual racism and no basic understanding of what makes a good game (familiarity, guns, monsters and sexy situations, in that order) have ruined games journalism. We have reached the point where I don't trust any piece of critical writing that comes from a publication without an "Official" in the title, and I’d rather subject myself to a new IP than read the tripe that passes for online, games journalism.

I don't know why Capcom continues to send free games and other goodies to reviewers who are unwilling to return a favour. Time and time again, these writer-freeloaders prove themselves thoroughly ungrateful as they unfairly rip Capcom’s games to shreds, completely forgetting who keeps them stocked in themed t-shirts and memory sticks. Once they have finished with their review copies, writers stick them straight on EBAY, converting a free game into a pair of snazzy trousers to wear to the next industry shindig, hosted by the same publishers who they just stabbed in the back. They will happily fill their pockets with free canopies and drink complimentary wine, refusing to leave the buffet until they are caked in pastry and have been sick all over their press pass lanyards; this food and beverage generosity is quickly forgotten when the time comes to repay the publisher with a 9/10. Despite their life of free games and pork pies, they still have the gall to whine about insignificant things like "broken AI" or "a horrendous camera", boring us with their critical approach to reviewing. Go back to Wii Sports, you fucking knobs.

The vast majority of video game sites and publications try to shock with their low scores and holier than thou approach, so as to attract much needed attention to their patch of the critical manure heap, but I’m not buying it. I have yet to play Resident Evil 6, but based on the trailers and the five minutes I spent with the demo, it is clearly an 8.7 at the very least. Fortunately, Famitsu had the good sense to give RE6 a 39/40, cementing their reputation as the very essence of subjectivity and for being spot-on with just about everything. Thank god for the Japanese.

I love the internet. 

******

All jokes aside, it's been pretty depressing seeing the reader reactions to the less than sparkling reviews for Resident Evil 6, especially when most of these pent-up commentators are unlikely to have even played the bloody game. Depressing, but still quite entertaining. I'm rather looking forward to getting stuck into RE6 and seeing if it is a bad as advertised - as long as Chris punches something twice his size then my pre-order won’t have been a complete waste. I'll let you know how I get on.

Comments

  1. The sad part is if I just saw this blog without knowing it's you, I would have thought it was legit. RE6 is fun so far, haven't had much time for it with midterms, but I've enjoyed what I've played at this point. It has some serious flaws, but it's still fun.

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    1. Ha! I was concerned that people less familiar with my blog wouldn't realise that this post is tongue in cheek, so I tried to go as over the top as possible! Still, it pales in comparison to some of the straight-faced posts and comments I've seen online - not really sure what possesses people to be such an arse.

      I'll start RE6 this weekend. I'm hoping I'll still be able to have fun with it, even if it is thoroughly flawed.
      Cheers

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