E3 2018: A Hastily Written and Poorly Researched Preview

It's nearly E3weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.


EA's presser starts at 3 AM Japan time. There are scant few things less likely to happen than me getting up at 3 AM on a Sunday to watch Snoop Dog talk about historical accuracy in Battlefield.

Mass Effect is fucked, so instead we'll be subjected to Anthem. Professional speakers will simulate human speech, saying stuff like "enemies incoming", "Susan, you pick up that ammo pack", and "Trevor, you cunt". It'll be the worst thing I've ever seen. However, I won't care, as I'll be giddy with excitement over the Burnout reveal. EA have forced the old Criterion crew back together and they are making Paradise 2. I shall be ecstatic.

Battlefield, Madden, NBA, FIFA, other car games; am I forgetting anything? An indie man will appear on stage and give a heartfelt speech about his adorable game. We will all be rooting for him. Unfortunately, his game will end up being shit.

New Dragon Age! I'd be interested to see what this series looks like in a post-Witcher 3 world.


I'll be busy at work, so it'll take me a while to remember that it's the second day of Electronic Electronic Electronic (E3 - the E is for Electronic). "Oh shit" I'll exclaim. "I have missed a significant helping of content". Catching up on Twitter, I'll be shocked to discover that Microsoft has announced Halo 6, Gears of War Whatever Number that's Up to, another Halo game, a new Forza Horizon, which I'll be genuinely excited about, and Halo 6 Remastered.

I'm hoping that we'll see lots of Crackdown 3, and that it won't be shit. MS will announce some service or system upgrade that we'll all agree is an excellent idea, but ultimately won't translate to increased sales. They'll also announce that Team Andromeda has found the missing source code for Panzer Dragoon Saga, and we'll be getting a remaster next year. It was discovered inside the sound engineers copy of Nelly's "Country Grammar". He has no idea where his Nelly disc is.

Bethesda: Plug n Play Skyrim, Elder Scrolls VI, and some Fallout nonsense that I'll never care about. I keep seeing people referring to a "Skyrim in space" but I have no idea what that is.


At this point, I'll be operating at full video game capacity. Hot takes will be oozing from every cavity and I may have to take a day off to recuperate. Seriously, I struggle to think straight during E3 week. Nonsense overload.

Square Enix's presser is likely to give me an aneurysm. I expect to learn nothing about the FF7 Remake, but maybe we'll get a FFVIII upgrade, just like the FFVII and FFIX versions before it. Vagrant Story is definitely coming back and there will be a game with a name so ludicrous that it'll make even the Kingdom Hearts team blush.

Disidia Ultimatiton; Deus over Bulbus 2.5.

Ubisoft will announce a handful of new IPs that look decent, but I'll never play. One of them will be about highwaymen; the other will be an open world cyber-thriller about horses. We'll also learn more about Assassin's Creed Odyssey and we'll be forced to consume another week of Mario/AC mash-up memes. Seriously though, I am absolutely excited about an AC based in ancient Greece.

Sony will admit that Shenmue and FFVII Remastered were terrible mistakes, and they have been cancelled. I will smile, because Shenmue was never any good, but also cry, because I was curious to see FF7 Remake. We'll get lots of The Last of Us 2, and I'll continue to insist that the first game was nothing special.

Is this the week that we finally discover what the fuck Death Stranding is all about? Possibly. Days Gone will bore me rigid, Ghost of Tsushima will tickle my fancy, and I'm betting Capcom will feature prominently with Resident Evil 2 Remake and some sort of expansion for Monster Hunter World.

As is the case every year, Sony will announce Shatter 2, a Syphon Filter reboot and, of course, NEW TIMESPLITTERS.


Nintendo doesn't like to play by the rules. Once again they'll be broadcasting a pre-recorded video full of games that I'm not particularly interested in. Expect third party titles that have been available on other platforms since 2016, Smash stuff, Metroid Prime 4, and maybe something running in the Breath of the Wild engine? I don't know, but that would be exciting.



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