Buy My DLC


Mortal Kombat X was all over our internets last week due to some unpopular, day-one micro transactions which make it easier to perform end-of-bout fatalities. 79p buys you five of these consumable, gory finishers, which replace the more challenging input commands with a simple two button sequence; £3.99 gets you thirty. I kan't believe I'm writing about Mortal Kombat again!

This DLC pack attracted a lot of negative attention in a quiet week for video games. I can understand why some people would be interested in buying this, as it simplifies something complicated and makes it easier to get more out of the game. Obviously, it also makes perfect business sense. Still, what amounts to a decreased difficulty level, albeit for a tiny part of the game, seems like a very cynical use of DLC/micro transactions, especially when it is sold as a consumable.

But that's enough about Mortal Kombat. Here are some unusual DLC and micro transactions that I have just made up.

Bloodborne: Consumable Airstrikes
Take out Yharnam's cursed hordes remotely, with pinpoint accuracy. Werewolves and evil shits with pitchforks are no match for military grade hardware.

Ico: The Snoop Dogg Voice Pack
The Dogg Father lends his iconic voice to a game that previously made no sense, bringing life to boy and cursing at "bitch-ass" ladders.

Tetris: All squares
Are you sick and tired of L-shapes and those long mutha's that always appear at the worst possible moment? Of course you are. Give me £5 and you will enjoy unlimited squares, and win the Cold War.

Final Fantasy VIII: No Memory Loss
We all agree that VIII is the best Final Fantasy, but the GFs-causing-memory-loss part was bollocks. This pack removes that section of the plot, ensuring that Squall and friends recognise each other from the get-go, allowing you to spend more time playing Triple Triad.

Destiny: A Story
The narrative Bungie forgot to put in the game, now available for purchase. For £30, you will get a beginning, middle and an end. Buy now and receive a 50% discount off Paul McCartney.

Journey: Motocross Madness
Take those sand dunes at speed and get up the mountain in record time. Experience Journey as ThatGameCompany intended.

Bayonetta 2: A Beard
Our sexy Umbran witch, now with facial hair.

Metal Gear Solid V: Ground Zeroes: The David Hayter Voice Pack
What was Kojima thinking? Finally, you can replace Kiefer Wrongvoice with Big Boss himself, David Hayter. Also Available: the rape tape eraser.

Singstar: Auto-tune
Like most people, you are shit at singing. No one wants to hear your whiny voice missing note after note, you idiot. Auto-tune can be activated discreetly, which means your friends may confuse you for T-Pain and hate you less.

The Order 1886: Cock Block
Are you a guy? Are you sick of feminist women putting dicks in our games and ruining everything? Of course you are. This pack replaces that troublesome cock with a friendly vagina. Please note, the left testicle is still visible.

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