Job Application: CEO of Electronic Arts


Dear sir/madam,

Please find below my application for the recently vacated role of CEO of Electronic Arts (John Riccitiello steps down).

I know all of your games, and even like some of them. Also, money.

I'm sure you'll agree that my experience and qualifications are more than satisfactory and that I'd be a much better fit than Peter Moore. I'm available to start from E3 2013 and can be contacted in the comments below.

Yours faithfully,

Toomanywires

PERSONAL STATEMENT

I am confident that my experience and knowledge of the industry and passion for gaming would enable me to make an immediate and long lasting contribution to (insert company name).

I really like video games, especially the ones you made/are making/will make. My favourites include Road Rash, Call of Duty and the one that has a planet just for gay people; I didn't like Mirror's Edge. I think all this bellyaching about SimCity is a misunderstanding, just like that time people thought you were selling us branded, Medal of Honour Tomahawks. On behalf of all consumers, I’m very sorry.

My interests include microtransactions, trying to monetise things, writing a video game blog about video games, and moaning about how I don't live in Japan anymore. I lived in 日本 - that's Japanese for Japan and an example of my linguistic abilities - for over four years. This means that I'm very international, can talk to Japanese people, eat Japanese food and sit on the floor. These skills would be invaluable when having to speak with Japanese colleagues, at restaurants, especially when sat down. This is something that happens a lot in Japan, often times in Japanese.

I'm dedicated to building upon my existing skills and embarking upon a full and successful career as your CEO.

Me trying to monetise a dog

RECENT EMPLOYMENT

I have worked for a number of Evil Empires over the years. Here are some highlights of a Decade in Employment:

1. In 2004, while working with Sony, I coined the term PlayStation. Originally, Shigeru Miyamoto wanted to call it the PlayMan, but I told him that it was a shit idea. He eventually backed down.

2. Working for NOVA, the infamous Japanese English language school, I oversaw the purchase of a number of smaller schools, which we stripped for assets and eventually closed. I'm sure you can see the value in that.

3. In 2001, I caught a runaway goat on a main road. It wasn't really my job, but I couldn't help myself. Everyone agreed that I made a really good job of it and should do it more often.

4. Contrary to recent news reports it was I who first discovered that girls had joined the Gamer Ranks. My mate was paying me to spy on his girlfriend when I caught her and other females playing Just Dance; he broke up with her shortly thereafter. I appreciate that you are down with the ladies, allowing them to play as an actual woman in Mass Effect, even though Shepard is a man's name. So, well done.

QUALIFICATIONS

I went to both school and university. All of my teachers agree.

Japanese Language Proficiency Test Level 3 - 2009
Basically, I know bear words but not quite enough to read Famitsu without having to constantly ask my wife annoying questions like "what's this?", "what does this mean?" and "is this mole getting bigger?".

I have lots of PlayStation trophies and almost two hundred followers on Twitter, many of whom are real people. I have two friends and a wife.

I bought and played Lord of the Rings: Conquest

References: Available on request, though I can't guarantee anything.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Comments

  1. If you are really interested you should add something about how cool always online drm is. Maybe throw in a few comments on how Origin is way better than Steam.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I was planning on saving that for the interview.

      Cheers

      Delete
  2. Daydream Drooler20 March 2013 at 23:12

    Lol, I'd hire you in a second! Great blog man, very funny.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Cheers. I'll send you my references!

      Delete

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